my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
