So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
