I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
