her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Randomize
