I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Who died my cat blue again?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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