im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
