There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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