when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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