I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
