at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
