We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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