I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
