I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
