just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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