i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize