doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
