Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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