I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
