sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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