his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
