i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
