Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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