The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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