is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
