matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i will never coherently bang her
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
