so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
