Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
