Even the bartender felt bad for me
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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