I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
