I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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