Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
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