i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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