what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
we made out on top of his cat.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
