when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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