It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So squirting runs in the family.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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