Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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