I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
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