I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
