i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
