there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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