I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
