just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize