you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
