mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize