I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
