It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
