Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
