"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
