By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
