I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize