I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
