Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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