she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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