my phone needs a breathalizer
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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