My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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