Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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