i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
