My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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