At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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