if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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